i wish there were pregnant emoticons
My balls are so social today.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
