Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
