I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
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