Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
