At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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