He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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