if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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