I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
