Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
