The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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