forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I wish you could order shots online.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
