Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
