I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
