ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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