I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
