Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
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