I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
