Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
