hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
