I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Everything about him screamed your future.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
