farters have to be the big spoon...
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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