weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
