Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
