I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
