Don't make out with my wife yet
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
