why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
