You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
