who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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