Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
