Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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