This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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