i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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