u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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