Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
