Just fell off a train. Bad.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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