Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
i think my cat just said my name.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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