the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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