The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
