And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
