Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
