Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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