I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Randomize
