Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
