my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
