Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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