god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
