They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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