I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
