Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
