what day is it and did you see me today?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
